he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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