I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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