When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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