I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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