i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
