yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
