Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
