the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
