I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize