I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
