my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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