dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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