My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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