Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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