Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
