i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
