yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
