did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
