A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
