Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
