WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
