I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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