; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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