Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize