You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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