so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
