in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
