If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
