She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
