i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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