if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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