Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
