she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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