Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
