Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
