Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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