I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
