OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
