I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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