I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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