I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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