I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
