I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
