Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize