I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
