I'm eating all of the evidence.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
