I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Success! We fucked roommates!
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