I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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