I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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