morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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