I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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