they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize