my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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