So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
