When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
