What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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