I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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