My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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