Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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