listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
