I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
