3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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